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Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat. He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing
and ran back to the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a
tub of water. Johnny looked up at her and said,
ENGLISH: As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing
publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph"
will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf
20% shorter. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
How to give your cat a pill 1.Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction.... "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply. Och...
huv ye no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting
agitated. "What about if ye din't use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully. "Well it's highly unusual sir, could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70" said the dentist "Hmmmm, what about if ye used one of yer dentist trainees and still without anaesthetics" said the Scotsman. "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40" said the dentist. "Och... that's still a bit much, how about if ye make it a trainin' session and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin' and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case" said the dentist. "Now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife on Tuesday?" NOT according to the Bible, but ... The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole Earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the Earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my
neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building
the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters
formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement
with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark,
but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah
wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!" 800x600
resolution or higher best.
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Churches: Postcodes, Australia: Aust. Whitepages Aust. Yellowpages Bethany, HongKong FEBC Aust. Music instruments Service Tasmania Spelling Checker? Tas. Cities Weather Wynyard OnLine Waratah-Wynyard Council
While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot
off the floor and make clockwise circles. While doing this, draw the
number "6" in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction. And there's nothing you can do about it. Marriage
is a relationship
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the paths." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. To make amends I bought her a ride on lawn mower. (Not me of course! K.K.)
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